As an addict involved in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I had to dig deep to find and embrace my inner Mormon. What follows is my journal from this point forward.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Recovery journal entries 20120723

These are some entries I made while in New York last week.

What if I were miserable in my work? What if everyday of getting up and doing my job felt like a someone inserted a black hole into my gut and my entire life and soul were being sucked into it and it felt as though I had to fight constantly not to get swallowed up in the emptiness? What if the Lord prompted me to stay at this job regardless? I have tried so hard to find work to satisfy me and who I am. Even now, on a train to NYC from Newark to work on consulting, I wish I were in training even though this work is satisfying and does pay a better wage. But what if the travel gets too much and I get too weary and I am still feeling like I need to stay. Could I find joy in the fact that I am following the will of the Lord?

I am not saying this is my future, but my past has been so filled with definition of myself by my work. My examples of self worth are work based. I have always sought for help in work based on my own enjoyment of it. Do what you love, the money will follow is the title of a book and a mantra of today's working professional, but it only works in an economy where workers are at a deficit and people really know their true self. Most of us don't figure that out in our lifetime and lately we have seen a surplus of workers. So if I were directed to a job that I would normally hate, say working outside in the hot sun (I have an abnormally active sweat capacity), could I do it if the Lord willed it so? This is a question that for me goes to step 3 and bears much thought about my future. I have left my security of a job for a business venture that leaves me feeling inadequate and on the verge of failure. I did it mainly due to inspiration from the Lord. But I do enjoy my work. I hope this blessing continues for the remainder of my life. It may depend more on my devotion to the Savior to find peace in my life outside of the workplace. I just need to find joy in my life without work being a source of it.

Yesterday was not successful for me and controlling my anger. I had a bad day of bad timing. I left my client in Manhattan with just enough time to catch a train home to get on a confreence call for an addiction recovery meeting. I took the wrong turn out of the building and wound up missing the subway to Penn Station which meant I missed the train I intended to catch and then I took a train an either I missed the stop or it didn't stop there. I suspect it was the former, but I have NO recollection of my stop (Newark Penn Station) being taken by the train. That is silly, since all NJT trains from NYC stop there. Still, I can't say what happened except that I waited for 40 minutes at Newark Airport for a train back to Newark Penn. This means I missed my call by over an hour. I really wanted to be on that call. I hope to catch a meeting in Manhattan this evening. I feel I need it. I angered myself at all the missed trains and stops and calls. I swore as I angered. It was not anybody's fautl but mine.

7/19/2012 4:36 PM
“Reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the
will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye
are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through
the grace of God that ye are saved” (2 Nephi 10:24).

• Consider what it means to live your life in harmony
with the will of God. Think about how His enabling
power can come into your life as you turn to Him.
How do you feel about letting God direct your life?

I think I am just beginning to feel like I am willing to follow the Lord's will. I am not talking keeping the commandments or going to meetings, I am talking about understanding the Lords will and being aligned to it in all things in my life. This is a new feeling.

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