As an addict involved in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I had to dig deep to find and embrace my inner Mormon. What follows is my journal from this point forward.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Recovery Journal, 20120704 - All I can do.

Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

I don't know that I can fully explain what this means. I know that to declare myself unable to handle addictions on my own is to admit something that has been thought of as undesirable in my upbringing. "I can achieve anything" is something of a mantra in our family and we have demonstrated it from time to time. Yet I now see that in so doing, I neglect the greatest power for change in my life.

I don't know if I will ever be able to give all glory to God and acknowledge him in all things, even though this is considered one of the things that offends God (D&C 59:21). Even when coming thorugh the power of the Atonement and achieving sobriety, I have felt to pat myself on the back. Even if I acknowledge God's hand in all of this, I cannot say that I gave him full credit. I do look at it as my achievement.

Today we read Mosiah Chapter 2 as a family. As I read it, I felt a need to repent. What reason have I to boast? I can merit nothing of myself. Like Ammon and his brotheren,like the converted Lamanites, I feel that all I can do is repent. After this, I have to put all things in his hands. All the other things I do, prayer, scriptures, writing, reading in my ARP manual all are designed to remind me of my need to rely on the Lord and exercise faith in him. I am helpless after this. That may not be so bad.

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