Recovery Journal 20120625 - Forgetting what makes us successful.

Be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33).


I have been reading Step 12:


I visited with my Bishop as I have been asked to become a facilitator in the ARP program.  I have been one before and served for nearly three years before my travel schedule became incompatible.  I also felt a certain amount of pride among facilitators including myself and did not want to part of that. During my relapse periods I fell away from doing the small things.  I began to set aside my scripture reading and my prayers for other things. My prioritization put these lower on the list till they were forgotten. It has made me rethink pride and what it really is. It may not be just a matter of open opposition to God, it may be a view that he is less important than the things I am doing now.


In visiting with the Bishop, and relating many things about the challenges of the previous year and my failings in maintaining my sobriety, he decided to approve me as a facilitator with an added commission, "Tell them what you have told me. That the little things mean something. Those who struggle with addictions often find a pathway out of their traps and then, after a while, stop doing what makes them successful.  This has been an error on my part that has made me question just how much do I truly believe?


If I believe, as King Benjamin preaches, in the Greatness of God and the nothingness of man, if I truly understood the desperate state of man without the Savior, I would not have to feel obligated to pray. I would feel desperate to pray. I wouldn't dare start my day without it or without reading the scriptures. Anything less would be like dumping out a barrel of water in the midst of a drought.  It is by these small things that great things come to pass.

Recovery Journal 20120622

“Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you;
seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye
shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you”
(D&C 88:63).

The Lord respects your will and your agency. Heallows you to choose to approach Him withoutcompulsion. He draws near to you when you inviteHim to be near. Write about how you will draw near to Him today.  --ARP Manual

I wonder if the reality of life is that the Lord never turns is back on us.  I read the the Book Of Mormon about how the Lord was as times slow to hear the cries of some people (Mosiah 21:15) when they were so wicked.  Yet I think it is more about making sure they were sufficiently humbled and truly knew that their salvation comes from God and nowhere else. It's as if sometimes we need to really understand that these gifts from God are not to be treated lightly. When a people are steeped in iniquity, when sin defines their motives and actions, when they have turned their backs on the Lord and his messengers, even to the point of killing them, then maybe the people need to earn a little more trust from the Lord before he pulls them out.

I don't know where I stand by comparison to the people of Limhi. I know that at times in my life, I have been so trapped in my addiction that there was likely no place for the spirit.  Yet I know that as soon as I could recognize my failures and come to the Lord with them, I have felt the peace of his love.  It was nearly immediate. My issue has been how to keep it permanent.

For me I have been focused on two things, frequent attendance of recovery meetings ( I am trying to attend three per week) and prayer each morning and evening.  The latter has been a real challenge for me. My ability be distracted from this need feels almost pathological.  I seem so easily lost in other issues that I just don't attend to it and I quickly forget.  This is why I am attending more meetings.  My remembrance is simply better when I do so.

Today I seek to be more regular and more heartfelt in my prayers. I also strive to be more vocal. Having a prayer in your heart throughout the day is one thing, but when I am on my knees, especially in the evenings, if I do not vocalize, the thoughts of my spirit are invaded by the musings of my mind.  I wind up thinking about things that are not evil, but are not about the desires of my soul. Until I can discipline my mind more, I need to be vocal for only when I speak can I get my mind right where I need it to be for the level of respect I need when speaking with my heavenly father.

I have questioned just how strong my faith really is. If I truly understood my own nothingness and God's greatness, I would feel desperate to pray, not obligated to pray. I would not dare face the evil that is all around me as well and all within me without begging for the Lord's help. I hope that I can continue to maintain my sobriety.  The last year has been brutal on me emotionally, I am now working on keeping my mind and heart right by reaching out to God in prayer more often.

Recovery journal 20120620

And now the Spirit of the Lord doth say unto me: Commandthy children to do good, lest they lead away the hearts of many people to destruction; therefore I command you, my son, in the fear of God, that ye refrain from your iniquities;
That ye turn to the Lord with all your mind, might, and strength; that ye lead away the hearts of no more to do wickedly; but rather return unto them, and acknowledge your faults and that wrong which ye have done.  -- Alma 39:12-13

Of all the things I worry about regarding my sins and addictions, none worries me more than how many people have I led away. Whether by luring others into behaviors, creating an environment others could be susceptible to my weakness, or just being a bad example and thus turning others off to my faith, facing the knowledge of others who have been led away by me is a pain I fear greatly.

I think this alone should make me a more assertive missionary. I truly do not want another person to ever leave this faith because of me.  I pray that my life may from here on out be the type of life that brings people into the gospel.  I fear this is a greater task. My personality and perspectives are so often outside the box. I really try not to be non-conformist, but I am. I have always been.

I am orthodox in my faith.  I sustain the Prophet and all other leaders. I read the scriptures.  I am becoming more diligent and delighting more in prayer. I am sure many view me as a classic white bread Mormon. Yet there are others who wonder what gremlins dance in my head to give me some of the responses to situations I have given.  I often feel like a man without a country.

This is a great place for self-pity and I must always be wary of it. Even so, I have wondered whether or not most, if not all members feel this way from time to time. I may not be the only one. I wonder how I can therefore make others feel like they belong.  I should ponder this more.