Recovery journal entries 20120723

These are some entries I made while in New York last week.

7/17/2012
What if I were miserable in my work? What if everyday of getting up and doing my job felt like a someone inserted a black hole into my gut and my entire life and soul were being sucked into it and it felt as though I had to fight constantly not to get swallowed up in the emptiness? What if the Lord prompted me to stay at this job regardless? I have tried so hard to find work to satisfy me and who I am. Even now, on a train to NYC from Newark to work on consulting, I wish I were in training even though this work is satisfying and does pay a better wage. But what if the travel gets too much and I get too weary and I am still feeling like I need to stay. Could I find joy in the fact that I am following the will of the Lord?

I am not saying this is my future, but my past has been so filled with definition of myself by my work. My examples of self worth are work based. I have always sought for help in work based on my own enjoyment of it. Do what you love, the money will follow is the title of a book and a mantra of today's working professional, but it only works in an economy where workers are at a deficit and people really know their true self. Most of us don't figure that out in our lifetime and lately we have seen a surplus of workers. So if I were directed to a job that I would normally hate, say working outside in the hot sun (I have an abnormally active sweat capacity), could I do it if the Lord willed it so? This is a question that for me goes to step 3 and bears much thought about my future. I have left my security of a job for a business venture that leaves me feeling inadequate and on the verge of failure. I did it mainly due to inspiration from the Lord. But I do enjoy my work. I hope this blessing continues for the remainder of my life. It may depend more on my devotion to the Savior to find peace in my life outside of the workplace. I just need to find joy in my life without work being a source of it.

7/18/2012
Yesterday was not successful for me and controlling my anger. I had a bad day of bad timing. I left my client in Manhattan with just enough time to catch a train home to get on a confreence call for an addiction recovery meeting. I took the wrong turn out of the building and wound up missing the subway to Penn Station which meant I missed the train I intended to catch and then I took a train an either I missed the stop or it didn't stop there. I suspect it was the former, but I have NO recollection of my stop (Newark Penn Station) being taken by the train. That is silly, since all NJT trains from NYC stop there. Still, I can't say what happened except that I waited for 40 minutes at Newark Airport for a train back to Newark Penn. This means I missed my call by over an hour. I really wanted to be on that call. I hope to catch a meeting in Manhattan this evening. I feel I need it. I angered myself at all the missed trains and stops and calls. I swore as I angered. It was not anybody's fautl but mine.

7/19/2012 4:36 PM
“Reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the
will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye
are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through
the grace of God that ye are saved” (2 Nephi 10:24).

• Consider what it means to live your life in harmony
with the will of God. Think about how His enabling
power can come into your life as you turn to Him.
How do you feel about letting God direct your life?

I think I am just beginning to feel like I am willing to follow the Lord's will. I am not talking keeping the commandments or going to meetings, I am talking about understanding the Lords will and being aligned to it in all things in my life. This is a new feeling.

Bitter words

They told me to be more tolerant. I became more tolerant.
They told me to be more understanding. I strived to understand.
They told me to be less judgmental. I worked to see them in a better light.
They told me to be more accepting. I accepted them in to my home and my life.
They told me to be more charitable. I gave them all I had to give,

my house,
my trust,
my possessions,
my heart.

I tried to be better for them.
I only became better for me.
For when I asked something of them,
When I asked them to repent,
They called me names:

intolerant,
judgmental,
rejecting,

They said I lacked charity and understanding.
They said I was hate.

The words they asked of me were sweet, I followed after them.
The same words to them were bitter.
They only served to hide their corruption.

Camp Letter to my Daughter

You are a funny little big girl. Your efforts to do the right things in spite of yourself make for a very interesting home. We could go on and on about your wonderful self as we have in previous letters. This time we will use this opportunity to talk about your future. 

It is a bright future, one for which you should have much hope. You will be coming into your own this year, realizing your own freedom to choose and seeking to maximize that freedom. It is a time of worry for many parents, but not so much for us this time. You will be tempted, but you have demonstrated strength of spirit and a testimony of Christ. We hope it will continue to grow and you will remember the path set before you in your future plans.

Remember that you have been called to be something more than most in this future. You are called to help gather Israel. You will have to discover your role in this. What it means for all of us is that we must be true to our covenants we have made in the pas and that we must be willing to make other  covenants in the future. 

In our efforts to be accepting of all people, let’s also remember our own standards. Continue to love and bless the lives of all people as you currently do. Remember as well that these people are endeared to you for a light you have. They do not understand it and may not even know that this is what attracts them to you, but one day they will. Be true to the light of the gospel at all times.

We know you have worries about relationships. We have prayed about those as well and can tell you that we have no worries about this in you. When the time is right, you will meet the right man and you will have a life that will be filled with memorable times. The Lord will bless your marriage and you will have more to love in life than most can hope for. We ask only that you keep your standards high and that you marry in the Lord’s house. You may not understand this now, and you may not fully understand it when you marry, but I assure you that in your later years, you will understand it. Then you will find yourself on your knees giving thanks to the Lord for your choice.

Look for the opportunities to share your heart with others. You will achieve great things through the smallest of means. Widespread recognition may not be in your future. But you will leave a trail of happy memories for those whom pass in and out of your life. Never pass up a chance to greet another with love. This alone can change the course of lives. Your gift for charity is rare and should be shared often.

We love you and give you this advice for the future because we have so much peace in your life right now.

Love,
Mom and Dad

Recovery Journal 20120708 - Step 2

“Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand very temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ” (Alma 37:33).

Many of us tried to get out of our addictions through sheer willpower or through having faith in a friend or therapist. Sooner or later we found that our faith in ourselves or others did not enable us to overcome our addictions fully. Write about your feelings today of being humble and willing to turn to Christ and His gospel above all other sources of help in your recovery efforts.

=====

I have listened to many people share in meetings and one of the things I hear a lot is their "strategies." I worry about this way of thinking. Often they will talk about learning the strategies for avoiding temptation or preventing themselves from succumbing to it. It is spoken like they have a plan, a way to out flank the devil and get themselves beyond this. I can't help but feel they are setting themselves up for failure. They are playing a game that has no hope for victory because they are playing a formidable opponent for the desires of their mind and heart. The field on which they play is thier own thoughts. So if my thoughts are where the issue lie, and I try to defeat my thoughts which are always with me, what are the chances for success? If I try to solve a problem of the mind with the mind, how do I not become frustrated?

It's like playing a chess game where the board has no end. If the board has no end then how do I remove a piece from off of the board? The most I can do it move it as far back as I can. Of course the distance I move it doesn't matter much. Many of the pieces can move right back into play every quickly. This is how the mind works. I can overcome a thought or desire on my own, but since it is in my head it can return and usually does so very quickly. Eventually, this will result in a vulnerability of mine being exploited at the point of my weakest and I will lose. It doesn't matter how good my game is.

So in responding to the question for this journal entry, I ask myself, do I have a strategy? If so what is it?

If I have one, it has two parts. First, recognize this game for what it is. I mean, recognize my feelings and desires for what they are, just feelings and desires. Acknowledge the feelings and that they exist. In doing this, I can see the feelings for what they are and that they are separate from my actions. I am really talking about is just having an awareness of my feelings from a more objective view. In the chess game analogy, what I am suggesting is stop trying to be the pieces and become the board. I have found that by doing this, I don't remove my thoughts, I just remove my obsession with them.

The second part goes to the scripture and the question at the start of this post. I turn the game over to the Lord. It is not mine to fight, or at least not alone. If I continue my analogy, I essentially present the game to the Lord. In other words, I come to him with my desires. I confess my feelings. I simply confess my feelings in prayer on my knees if I can. If not, I can do as so vocally. I have found that by simply acknowledging the desire for what it is and then taking it to the Lord, I find the fulfilling power of the spirit to overcome it. I don't know if this is a strategy or if I am simply following the counsel listed in this scripture.

I try to avoid the temptation as much as I can. I have a duty to minimize my risk. So here, maybe a look into avoidance strategies might help, but even so, I can't imagine any strategy that does not come with daily prayer and scripture study along with reading and answering questions from the ARP manual before your next meeting.

I do work on my emotional behaviors as well. I use much of what is taught by Dr. Glasser in his book "Choice Theory" because I find it aligns very strongly with the teachings of freedom and relationships as I have understood them in the scriptures and by our leaders. So I do use other helps.

However, the core of my strategy, if I have one, is still prayer, scripture study, work the program. If I am devoted to this, I have success. When I forget this or neglect it, I begin to fail. I notice that when I am doing the core, my feelings for my addiction reduce in intensity. When I feel them, I notice it much sooner. I think this is because I am feeling the spirit in me more and the distruption of that spirit is more obvious than if I was not as in tune with the Holy Ghost. If I can intensify my feelings of the spirit, then the temptations have less power over me and I have the ability to give them to the Lord and have the confidence that they will be handled correctly.

Elder Ballard in his October 2010 Conference talk spoke on prayer and addiction:
If anyone who is addicted has a desire to overcome, then there is a way to spiritual freedom—a way to escape from bondage—a way that is proven. It begins with prayer—sincere, fervent, and constant communication with the Creator of our spirits and bodies, our Heavenly Father. It is the same principle in breaking a bad habit or repenting from sin of any kind...Fervent prayer is key to gaining the spiritual strength to find peace and overcome an addictive craving. Heavenly Father loves all of His children, so thank Him and express sincere faith in Him. Ask Him for the strength to overcome the addiction you are experiencing. Set aside all pride and turn your life and your heart to Him. Ask to be filled with the power of Christ’s pure love. You may have to do this many times, but I testify to you that your body, mind, and spirit can be transformed, cleansed, and made whole, and you will be freed. This seems less a strategy and more a following of what the Savior has taught us since the beginning of time.

You can see by his fervent testimony that prayer is critical. He cites scriptures in this talk as well to demonstrate how prayer helps.

Using scriptures was exemplified by the Savior after he fasted for 40 days. Satan appeared to him and made three attempts to tempt him into sin. Much has be spoken about the ways he was tempted during this time. But for me, the greatest lesson isn't the ways we are tempted, it is the way we resist temptation. Three times Satan came to Jesus, each time with different seductions and each time the Savior response began with the same three words, "It is written." I could from here go on forever about the power of what was said. But for now, I will simply say, the savior used no strategy. He simply relied on the words of God and his own witness of them. I think this is a most crucial lesson.

In returning ot the original question. Reliance on the lord is the best strategy, connecting with him through prayer and gospel study is how we gain the power to overcome. I know this is the way. I know this works. I know this is the core of the Addiction Recovery Program. It brings us to repentance. I am most grateful for it.

Recovery Journal 20120705

Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

Sometimes I wonder what I am supposed to be. Am I to be self-sufficient, self-reliant as I am sometimes taught, or am I to be completely dependent and unable to do anything myself as I am sometimes taught.  Am I one or the other? I am supposed to exercise self-control and self-discipline and be self-governing?. The problem is that these terms suggest that I achieve these abilities on my own. The illusion is that I have mastered myself.  The reality is the Lord has mastery over me by my allowing him to take control over my life.  I believe this may the the need for all of us, but it is more pronounced for addicts. The addict is loses all self-management.  Thus the addict must admit not only loss of power over self, but accept that only the power of God can restore them.  I don't know if all people need to recognize this helplessness.  Maybe most saints already do so. I do know that I need to always be aware of it because anything less is when I try to put my trust in me and I my failures to solve this myself are well documented. Cursed is he that putteth his trust in flesh or maketh flesh his arm (2 Nephi 4).

Facebook Dialogue About Parents and Standards

A recent comment from my nephew and my response:

Nephew:
 "I know who I am. I know what I'm not. Nobody can or will tell me differently. I refuse to be influenced by the world. I make my own choices. If I mess up I suffer the consequences. But I won't mess up. I've seen the mistakes that people make between the sex, drugs, morals, standards, the affairs, the cheaters, the addicts. I understand the consequences of such actions. I do not disregard them, and in fact analyze the outcome of every situation from all possible viewpoints before I make a decision. Call me cocky, but I am smarter than the average 18 year old. I know my parents love me and want the best for me. I understand that fully, but they are going about it in a completely wrong way. I do not have it all figured out but neither do they. All I want is to be understood. I am my own man. I'm not messing up. All I want is to be trusted.I have done nothing to, mess that up so far, so I would like it if they and everyone else stopped assuming the worst..."

Me:
I was, as usual, having a little fun in my previous comment. But my reference to the article was legit. It's a great read.


Either way, I struck a nerve in my earlier post. I apologize for my abrasiveness.


Now I can either back off of your last comment, or I can decide to go in and address it full scooby snack. Your parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, knowing me and often lamenting that familiarity, already know which way I am going.


Yeah, maybe you're cocky, but then being called smarter than the average 18 year old about as big a compliment as being call the sexiest greeter at Wal-Mart, so maybe not that cocky. Anybody can examine their body of peers and decide themselves slightly above them. Most can see themselves considerably above them. Sometimes we see ourselves as less than them. All three are correct depending on the criteria you use as the guage.


The thing is, that's not the measurement you have been called to use. Seriously, if the best standard you got is not going to do drugs, become and addict or engage in premarital sex or extramarital affairs, you have kinda set the bar a little low. I don't think when Elder Ballard spoke to the young men about raising the bar, he had this level in mind.


So, as you go on with your choice and proceed confident in who you are, ask yourself if your self-assessment included these standards:
-- Mosiah asked us to become as a child, humble, meek, submissive, willing to submit to all things that the Lord inflicts upon us even as a child does submit to his father.
-- When Nephi was the only person in his family who did not lose faith, and even when his father gave up hope and murmured against the Lord, Nephi still went to him and asked him what direction to go.
-- The very young Stripling warriors were described as true in whatsoever thing they were trusted and were preserved by their diligence to the words of their mothers.
-- Upon learning what his father had been told to do by the Lord, Isaac fully complied and allowed himself to be made a sacrifice on the alter.
-- The fifth commandment, thou shalt hono they father and thy mother, is the first commandment with a blessing attached.
-- When Ammon was a servant to Lamoni, he was so diligent in keeping the instructions given by his master that Lamoni considered him a great spirit.
-- When the boy Joseph was slave into egypt his faithfulness to both the Lord and his master put him second only to the Pharoah in command.
-- When Nephi was asked to get the plates by his father, he immediately recognized his father's inspiration.
-- When Alma asked his son Helaman if he would keep his commandments, Helaman told his father "I will keep thy commandments with all my heart."


In all of these and many other examples, we see people whose faithfulness to the Lord include faithfulness to their leaders and most of them, faithfulness to their parents. This is the standard you have been called to bear.


So we ask you, do you have the inner strength to make the neck muscles more pliable? Can you turn your gaze away from the world and back into the eyes of those who have the greatest stake in your success? Unless your parents have directed you to do that which is contrary to the Lord's will, and I am 100 percent certain they have not, you may consider that your unwillingness to follow them indicates that you have already lowered your standards a bit too far.

Recovery Journal, 20120704 - All I can do.

Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

I don't know that I can fully explain what this means. I know that to declare myself unable to handle addictions on my own is to admit something that has been thought of as undesirable in my upbringing. "I can achieve anything" is something of a mantra in our family and we have demonstrated it from time to time. Yet I now see that in so doing, I neglect the greatest power for change in my life.

I don't know if I will ever be able to give all glory to God and acknowledge him in all things, even though this is considered one of the things that offends God (D&C 59:21). Even when coming thorugh the power of the Atonement and achieving sobriety, I have felt to pat myself on the back. Even if I acknowledge God's hand in all of this, I cannot say that I gave him full credit. I do look at it as my achievement.

Today we read Mosiah Chapter 2 as a family. As I read it, I felt a need to repent. What reason have I to boast? I can merit nothing of myself. Like Ammon and his brotheren,like the converted Lamanites, I feel that all I can do is repent. After this, I have to put all things in his hands. All the other things I do, prayer, scriptures, writing, reading in my ARP manual all are designed to remind me of my need to rely on the Lord and exercise faith in him. I am helpless after this. That may not be so bad.

Facebook is the public forum for debate.

A recent Facebook post by a person I hold in the highest regard suggested that we shouldn't use Facebook for pushing our views on others.  I understand her loathing of arguments filled with nasty comments or quips that look good on a bumper sticker but mean nothing.  I share them.  But I also welcome debate and find FB a good forum for it.  My response to her comment is below.

While use of mocking language or personal attacks certainly make any debate unpleasant, debate itself can be very positive.  I like FB debates because they take out the problems of verbal debates, emotional and rapid responses, interruptions, lack of a moderator when more than two are involved.

The idea that the voicing of opinions is separate from trying to change another's view puzzles me.  The point of free speech is so we can exchange variations of ideas and pursue persuasion of another's view.  The whole point of these freedoms is so evidence can be shared, theories presented, ideas exchanged so that we can change the world and the world changes first by changing ourselves and ourselves are changed by first examining our thoughts.

Isn't this better than sound bites on CNN/Fox/MSNBC?  Isn't this a better way than mocking a president or a presidential candidate?  If you don't debate where one can freely share, we leave our views to be developed by reckless pundits whose true interest, regardless of which side  they stand, is money and ratings.

We go around saying we shouldn't discuss politics or religion and then sit in front of agenda driven TV and let the financial and monetary elites tell us what to think about both. We then tune out those who disagree with us and only notice them when they make mistakes. Then we go around hanging out only with those who think the same as us and forget that we do need people who can say, maybe we should reconsider.  Sometimes we need friends, sometimes we need people who annoy us.

Facebook is the platform of the people. If we tell ourselves to shut up about issues here, those who know how to broker power will take that hole left and use it to further manage how we think.  I can think of no greater joy than the use of social networking to create social change and not greater abuse than to stop it because it annoys others.

In fact the reason FB may have so much ugliness in debate may be because we have forgotten how to debate the issues.  We may be following the example of the TV and injecting so much pride and anger in our positions that any challenge is viewed as a direct attack on the poster. This isn't debate, this is pride. We need to learn how to discourse and discuss.  We need to learn that the win is in the learning and growing.

Speech is persuasion first, junk food later.  Let us all take this day and remember that one of the reasons we celebrate it is because we have the right to voice our disparate views.  We all live in a time when freedom of speech and press and gathering are greater than ever because the tools to engage in it are now ours to have more than ever.  The best way to celebrate the 4th is to get on FB and start a debate.  It is the very essence of why we celebrate our independence.

Recovery Journal 20120704

O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.  2 Nephi 4:34

In the ARP manual, We are asked questions about Nephi's lament as recorded in 2 Nephi 4.  What I find is that this chapter gives us a pattern of returning often to the Lord.  Nephi finds himself in sorrow for his own sins and yet he also makes it clear where his hope lies.  He laments his weakness, remembers the Lord and then returns to him.


Oh Wretched Man that I am (verse 17)...Nevertheless I know in whom I have trusted (verse 19)...O Lord, I have atrusted in thee, and I will btrust in thee forever (Verse 34).


In between verse 19 and 34, is Nephi doing what the Book of Mormon tells us to do over and over, he is remembering. He recalls what the Lord has done and the blessings he has received. He bears witness to himself of the Lord. In doing so he finds the power to return to the Lord.


To see this pattern is to give me such great comfort and joy and to know that I too can follow this pattern and return to the Lord again.  When asked what can I do to put my trust in the Lord, I answer,  I need to begin by making prayer a daily thing.  I need to make daily paryer a more heartfelt thing.  I need to pray to the Lord as though my survival depends on him as I believe it does.  The time has come to be desperate for the Lord in my life.  I need to beg as the citizens under King Benjamin's reign did.  I need to be more than I am by being less than I think myself to be.  I need to humble myself and look to the Lord for all things.


My days have been going very well lately.  I must not slacken my grip to the iron rod. I must not think that momentum will carry me.  I must not give myself credit.  It is all I can do to remember to repent and call on the name of the Lord.  I must remember my own repentant pattern long before I find myself being pulled into my addiction.  I must remember how the Lord has blessed me.

My Response to Report of Mass Mormon Resignation

Yesterday, the WaPo posted this article about supposed mass resignation ceremony.  I don't know if the word mass fits here, given that we are talking about .001 percent of the membership.  By the time the ceremony was over, we had already baptized that more than the number that had left.  Still I found a sadness at this departure and as such felt to respond with the essay below:

Today in my LDS meetings, we talked about marriage. We talked about christlike love in marriage and hope and devotion to one another even in times when one questions their faith. We read scriptures, discussed in the class our own marriage challenges, some minor, some very major. We read passages of hope and peace in the Bible and the Book of Mormon. We prayed for renewed committment to our spouses and our families, to be more christian in our parenting. 

My wife and I read the lesson in advance. We discussed where we could improve our marriage. We have been married for 26 years. Tonight we will pray together and seek a blessing for our 7 children, and our neighbors, many of whom are not LDS or are not practicing. Today people bore witness of the truth of Jesus, and the restoration of his gospel. Those who volunteered included single parents and families with husbands who have turned on their covenants. All spoke of the love of their families and those married spoke of the love of their spouses regardless.

We met as priesthood leaders and talked about how we might find greater joy through scriptures and through prayer. We talked about how trials shape us and how we can grow to be more than we are today. We talked about the commandments and what blessings in this life do we receive from them. We prayed to be better husbands and fathers. We all worry about our ability to raise children devoted to the Lord in these days. We feel the struggles and we bear each other up as we do so.

The night before this our largely LDS Neighborhood has a party. We invited all the neighbors and all but one showed up. We introduced ourselves to the neighbors as we had some new move-ins, niether of which are praciticing LDS. The mom of one of the new families, sporting ankle tatoos and who smokes, expressed her appreciation for the acceptance she felt from the neighborhood. She said they lived in another place, a place that is largely not-LDS, but this was a better fit.

In church, We talked about missionary work and how we wanted to first express a sense of welcoming to all regardless of their background or interest in the LDS Church. We have announced community outreach classes to benefit all in our neighborhood. I suspect few non-LDS will attend, but it is not because we have closed them out.

We discuss from time to time in our meetings issues about Book of Mormon evidences and Book of Abraham evidences and most of us learn there is evidence to go either way. What we all seem to feel is that the messages we read, the lessons we learn, the depth of doctrine and love and spiritual strength we gain is the greatest evidence that this work is divine. We try to live according to this faith. We fail. We repent. We try again.

When I think of my LDS weekend and the weekend those in this article had, I am certain, mine was much better, and will have much greater long term benefit. I am saddened by this. I have known many who have left the faith. I have yet to see their lives made better. Some remain together, but they have closed up a bit, some have expressed that I shouldn't be in their business anyway. Perhaps, but caring about others does kinda put us in their business. So I care from distance. Most have ended their marriages, most found another church and then later gave up on those churches. Several gave up on God altogether. It saddens me when I think of my weekend and what they will miss.

10 Axioms of Choice Theory

I have been reading Dr. Glasser's book, Choice Theory, for on and off for sorme time now.  I have found it not only helpful and full of wonderful insight, I also find it very much in line with the principles of my faith.  I am reminded of passages in Second Nephi chapter 2, and Doctrine and Covenants sections 93 and 121. 

10 Axioms of Choice Theory

1. The only person’s behavior I can control is my own.
2. I am driven by five basic genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.
3. I can satisfy these needs only by satisfying a picture of pictures in my quality world. Of all I know, what I choose to put in my quality world is most important.
4. All I can do from birth to death is behave. All behavior is ‘total behavior’ and made up of four inseparable components: acting, thinking, feeling, and physiology.
5. All total behavior is designated by verbs. For example, I am choosing to depress, or I am depressing; instead of I am suffering from depression, or I am depressed.
6. All total behavior is chosen, but I have direct control only over my acting (doing) component and my thinking component. I can however, control my feelings and physiology by how I choose to think and act.
7. All I can give or get from other people is information. How I deal with that information is my choice.
8. Most long term psychological problems are relationship problems.
9. The problem relationship is always part of my present life.
10. What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with who I am today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute little or nothing to what I need to do now.  I should strive to improve important, present relationships.