As an addict involved in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I had to dig deep to find and embrace my inner Mormon. What follows is my journal from this point forward.
I'm a Mormon.

Monday, March 28, 2011

My Journey Into the Thoughts of a Mormon Woman - Part 2: Immeasurable Motherhood.

 
 

If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. - 1 Corinthians 15:19

Latter-Day Saints are cautioned against using the standards of the world as the measurement of ourselves. The standards of excellence in our day are so low and the standards are based on worldly acquisitions and desires of the flesh. They disregard Eternal principles as a source of measurement.

Additionally we are warned against measuring ourselves against others as this can lead to pride and arrogance on one end of the spectrum or self-loathing and shame on the other. This is much more easily said than done.

Even if we should be cautious in our tools of measurement, the act of measuring is definitely something found in much of our church functions. We keep rolls for attendance, record payments of tithes and offerings, we measure vital factors in the progress and performance of missionary work. The culture of measured performance can be found in many areas. My personal favorite comes from BYU Devotionals when they invariably read a curriculum vitae of the speaker and extol their accomplishments.

We cannot escape some worldly yardsticks as a measure of a man. Upon entering the workforce, men face performance reviews and will strive to achieve what is sought after by his superiors. There is hope in every man that they will perform at a level that will merit continued employment and, hopefully, increased wages.

In our difficult economy, I have known many who have lost their jobs and I have seen how it devastates them.  It's not just the economic stress they feel, it's their loss of self worth that really kills them. Providing for the family is what they are supposed to do; it defines them. The loss of that ability cuts to the core of how they define themselves. I know one devout Mormon who, after losing his job decided to stop going to the temple. He went nearly every week prior to losing his job. He simply felt unworthy to attend having now been rendered unable to provide for his family for many months.

It seems silly to me as I state it, but would I feel any different upon the loss of my job, especially with a verse like 1 Timothy 5:8 hovering over me? It is a struggle because the principal tool by which men measure themselves has been taken away. They can’t even be counted worthy of measure.

It's easy to say at we need to be cautious of this; but so long as we value measurements, we will seek them and many will come from worldly standards.

There is no doubt that the working woman is equally interested in success in these same areas. And uses the same form of measurement and if it lost would feel the same sense of despair. So if both men and women rely on this, what happens to the person whose work does not come with the capacity for measurement.

There is a common belief that the benefits of motherhood are immeasurable. This means that what motherhood does for the child, the father, the family, and all of society is beyond anything that we can comprehend. We can't begin to measure it's greatness. I fully agree with this. But in this greatness a challenge exists. If a woman chooses a life of full time motherhood, how can she measure her own worth? How should she measure it? What tools of measurement are to be found?

Is it in the choices of the children? This is difficult where free agency is a factor. Is it in the clean home or the home-cooked meal? What is the measure of a woman dedicated to serving her family?

This is the first question I found in the letter from my reader friend. After she details her achievements prior to motherhood, which were many, she details her life as a mother, cooking, cleaning, nurturing and so on. The challenge presented is not the disbelief that these are the right thing to do, but in the disbelief that there is any measurable achievement in for these.

Next, she compares her life to my life as a working professional. I could go into my Priesthood meeting and say to myself "I am the best in my profession of all in this room" and likely be right. Can she do the same? Can she walk into a room of full time mothers at Relief Society and say, "I am the best mom in this group" and be equally confident? Perhaps she shouldn't even do so. But then what is the unit of measurement?

Is it any wonder that it is common for the women of the church to try to hide their flawed selves as they see the other seemingly perfect women of the ward, who are also hiding their flawed selves, and fear they will not measure up?

And what role do I play as a man in helping to foster this problem?

The comparison of her work and mine above may not seem fair. If I examine my worth as a professional and the woman examines her worth as a mother, wouldn't it be better to compare my worth as a father? Perhaps, but how many of us fathers truly separate our worth as professionals from our worth as fathers?

This was made clear to me a number of years back when after going through some depression and seeking counseling. After several visits, he brought to my attention two things, one I repeatedly stated that my family was greatest thing I valued, but all my evidences of my worth as a person came from professional achievements outside of the family. How could I value one so much but seek only to achieve so significantly in the other and not feel internally conflicted.

I would like to say I immediately realigned my priorities. But it has taken years and more counseling and group meetings to begin to realign my thoughts and actions. I, like the man who lost his job, behave as though my ability as a working professional is my spiritual contribution as a father. When I state this, I see the whole fallacy the belief, but I continue to act in this manner.

There are probably a number of different reasons for this, but I am beginning to see that a major reason is that I can see immediate measurable results of my work. It arrives in my account no less than twice a month. This excludes praises from superiors, peers, and clients. It doesn't factor in awards, evaluations, bonuses, and promotions. When you add the whole package together, you can see why a man loses himself in his job even though he has a family. Yes there is the stress of a providing for them, but there are many awards beyond this. A look around will show you rather clearly that such immediacy of return in work is simply not there in the caring for a home.

If I do not examine fatherhood outside the realm of my profession, I may be creating a culture in my own home that makes it all the more difficult to feel any sense of accomplishment in motherhood. For I will think that if I can find accomplishment in my work, then so can she. This is most unfair. First of all, I have a much, much wider set of options. I chose my career and my education path for it. I even chose a new path when I felt unfulfilled in my former path. I have even sought employment that provides many different activities and options to avoid the repetition of daily duties.

Full time motherhood provides very few opportunities for variety and no opportunities for change apart from the abdicating of it's duties. My attitude  may be creating a loss of self-worth without doing any overtly demeaning. Even if I am not criticizing, or complaining about the home, which I do not do (I think), just treating my wife's daily life as though it operates under the same paradigms as mine is enough to create unhappiness.

As a father and husband I see that it is also critical that I provide a source of measurable achievement. I will need to ask her about the day, get the details and make sure the achievements are pointed out. It might be helpful to provide an occasional reward; a special night out from her imagination, not mine. As a father and husband it is critical I not only acknowledge such things, it is critical that I believe they are of worth.

As a father and husband it becomes critical that I involve myself more deeply in helping out in the home. Not only for the easing of burdens, but also for the appreciation of the effort expended. My wife is a genius at the dishes; we have no dishwasher. I do them on occasion when my wife gets behind in her work. It takes me two hours. She does them in under 30 minutes. In this world I am an incompetent apprentice, she is the master craftsman. It may not sound like much, and in fact it may not feel like much to her, but my inability recognize her personal genius is only increasing dissatisfaction exponentially.

I am sure the are many other things I can do as a husband and father. I hope to ponder these things and become better at making the experience worthwhile.

One thing is clear above all others as I consider this subject. I have heard over and over again that motherhood is as close as a person gets touching God. I have always considered this to be because of the work done in raising and training a child to be righteous and faithful is working part of God's own plan. I still believe that. But I now see that the very act of choosing motherhood is perhaps the greatest leap of faith that can be made. Continuing to serve in this capacity is to continue to step out on faith every day. To perform tasks dutifully that provide little extra in the way of temporal rewards for the sake of bringing up a family to the Lord may be one of the greatest demonstrations of faith.

My reader friend continues devoted to her work. Her rant does not reflect a continual attitude about being a mom. It encompasses what makes the calling so challenging at times. But in spite of these moments, her devotion to the Lord and to her family continues without wavering. I am grateful that she could be so candid and yet so hopefully devoted.

For the moment, I can recognize what immeasurable motherhood means, both in terms of it's challenges and blessings. Then I need to do what I can to help add some joy to it.

I am, however, convinced now more than ever that those who undertake to be full time mothers are the most beloved and faithful of all of God's children for what they do, they do with the hope of a return that may not be fully realized till the eternities are theirs for an inheritance.  As a Father I should step out more into this great faith.

I hope that in the near future I may find many ways to make this, the greatest of callings, more enjoyable in in this life. The suggestion box remains open.

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Well Behaved Mormon Woman: Hope for Addiction Because God Loves YOU

I follow this blog because of it's constant view of hope and commitment to principles. I also have watched the author take attacks from detractors on LDS standards on social networks. She handles them well. Today her entry is along the lines of the areas I work with. I thought it was worth a second look.

A Well Behaved Mormon Woman: Hope for Addiction Because God Loves YOU: "There is hope for those who struggle with all types of addiction.  Last week I wrote an article about sex addiction, including pornogra..."

Sunday, March 20, 2011

My Journey Into the Thoughts of a Mormon Woman - Introduction

A twentieth century man once freed a genie from bondage for which the man was given one wish. He only wanted one thing that he could not get for himself. He wanted to go to Hawaii but feared driving and boats.

“Could you build a road from California to Hawaii so that I could drive there?” He asked the Genie.

The Genie was not accustomed to saying no to wishes, but in this case he felt that what was asked was too much. The impact on sea life, the logistics of boat travel, the shock the public would experience of such a structure appearing out of nowhere, and many other issues forced the Genie to ask the man to make another request.

The man understood. It was a seemingly impossible undertaking. He only wanted one other thing. He had broken up with his girlfriend and he didn’t understand what went wrong. He lamented how he could never figure out the differences between what she said and what she meant. He couldn’t understand why certain seemingly small things made her cry. He tried to be good to her, but failed.

“There is only one other thing I would want. I want you make it so I could understand how a woman thinks?”

The Genie nodded thoughtfully. He then took a deep breath and said, “would you like two lanes or four lanes?”



I wrote my first blog entry only to have a female friend read it and oppose me on one of the statements.  It is a statement about the perception of perfection in LDS women and how they often don’t feel loved due to their lack of perfection. I have heard this statement over and over by members of the LDS church, both male and female, but mostly female. I took it as one of those understandings we all have.


My reader friend found annoyance at what she called a blithe brush-off of complex human emotions in women. She mercifully spared me a rant. 


I wasn’t interested in mercy as much as I was in honesty and understanding.  I begged for the rant and she thoroughly obliged. She has always had a reputation for detail and completeness, and this was no exeception.


The problem is that I’m a guy. I pretty much have the whole guy thing working against me. There are a couple exceptions to my guyness: I have very pretty hair and I am just not that into team sports.  As to the first, my hair gorgeous and I feel lucky as it is the only part of me that has endured aging well. But it doesn't matter much as I keep it short just to ease the caring of it. The latter is something I just don’t get. I appreciate athleticism of team sports and to that end, I respect the players. But the fandom of guys watching teams compete is a mystery. Seeing some guy wearing a team jersey while watching his team play is about as silly as seeing grown women going into the movie theater wearing “Team Edward” shirts.  Beyond this, I am pretty much all guy.


Trying to understand complex women’s emotions may be simply beyond my grasp. I often feel like the man and the genie in the story. I know I am missing something, I just don’t know what.


I knew this before I ever received the information from my friend. So I sought help from a few experts, women who were similar to my friend. They are well educated and intelligent, they had given up their secular pursuits for motherhood, and they have experienced struggles with family members who have wandered from the faith in spite of their best efforts.


I sent my request to several different women.  Two accepted to read the letter which I made to be anonymous. One of them decided to give it to somebody else and let them respond. Since I was very selective about my respondents, this didn’t generate excitement. However this was the only response I received. Either nobody else tried to accept or reject my invitation, or they accepted it and did not respond.  It was all pretty disappointing to be honest.


So now I must decipher the difficulties of this message on my own by using my own, limited, guy mind. I guess I should apologize for the responses that I will give. They may not answer any questions or provide any comfort, motivation or solace for my reader friend or any who have similar feelings, of which I suspect are many.


Even so, I need to respond. The letter has been on my mind for weeks now and has occupied much of my thinking. I doubt I will offer any direct advice, as I don’t know what I could give. But I need to get these thoughts together. I need to get them out of my head and written. 


I have an good idea of the direction my writing will take, but I will wait and see. For now, I could use just a little luck.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Brandon Davies and Jim Dalrymple: The Relevance of Honor


I really didn’t expect to write on this.  The subject is  already getting overcooked.  But some of the arguments against BYU I was hearing around me were so...."raca"....(now I have to repent)....I was getting frustrated.  Then an unfortunate article from a reporter who seems in all his social contacts to claim himself a Mormon berated BYU for this.  His arguments seemed woefully sophmoric, but they combined all the other complaints I have been hearing into one place. I decided to call him out.

There is no doubt that many woud-be star athletes never go to BYU because of the Honor Code.  To even get a top seeded team with the Honor Code in today’s society is a major accomplishment.  Now that BYU is there, people are angry that they aren’t willing to sacrifice their standards for a chance to go all the way.  Since the loss to New Mexico, the tweets have definitely turned ugly.  Most just can’t comprehend living  BYU standards.  Most are now upset that a great team is looking more and more like they are done for.

But the response from sports reporters and pundits across the country about BYU’s decision have been positive, which is easy enough to see.  They understand the standards even if they don’t adhere to them. They agree that they need to be respected.  BYU’s honor code must be agreed upon by every student that enrolls there.  Furthermore, a reasonable belief that you will live by this code is also required of each student in the form of an ecclesiastical endorsement.  You must get this endorsement each year.  Violators are not blind sighted by the discipline.  The reporters seem to get this.


Of course, there are those who take the opposite view.  Many just don’t get the standards of the LDS Church and there isn’t a lot to be done about that. However, others use this opportunity to put up a facade of being a much more sophisticated thinker and show how cosmopolitan they are. Jim Dalrymple, a reporter at the Daily Herald  and a writer for an online magazine, is just such a person. His article puts the blame on BYU having standards.  His article seems to summarize all the other gripes I have been reading into a neat package of criticisms.
 
The majority of detractors focus on the standards being ridiculous. They use terms to characterize these standards in the worst possible light.  Dalrymple encompasses this by using the words bizarre, arcane, and antiquated .  I am sure he sat by his trusty thesaurus trying to decide if ancient had too many honorable overtones, or if archaic was too Mesoamerican, or if outmoded sounded too fashion forward.  Still, his short piece does reflect the idea that most detractors of the Honor Code feel it is unreasonable for present day society.  

But really what all of them are saying is simply that the Honor Code is too hard.  Or as my 10 year old says at homework time, "It's too haaaawwwrrd."   All of them, like my 10 year old, repeat their versions of this phrase to suggest they can't do something. Regardless of how sophisticated or witty they may try to make it, essentially they are telling BYU they can’t do it because it’s too hard.  

But they don’t really mean that either.  They don’t mean they can’t do it. They really mean that they don't want to do it.  None would ever confess this and instead detractors try to use clever language to mask their lack of conviction and to make their views seem honorable.  However, any Mormon who reads the scriptures regularly already knows this methodology.  It’s more ancient than any of BYU’s standards. It was used by gifted men of language such as Sherem, Coriantumur, Zeezrom and Korihor.  You want to talk antiquated? Dalrymple using one of the oldest tricks in the Book.

There are other approaches as well, like the questioning the methods of the Honor Council.  Those folks are even more vicious in their characterizations.  Two common terms used are KGB and Gestapo. I didn’t see Nazi anywhere.  Maybe it’s people think it's an overused term since Glenn Beck became popular.  

There was one poster on the BYU Board who says, that this matter should be resolved through ecclesiatstical leaders and leave BYU and the Honor Council out of it. They suggest that the religious leader should deal with this and it stops there.  In other words, break the honor code, see your bishop and BYU has no say.  This would be the equivalent of local leaders having override authority at every temple in the world or denying mission presidents any say over missionaries who refuse to live the standards while in the field. This is not how it works.  BYU is a religious institution like temples and missions.  It has a greater logistical challenge in that attendees are much larger in number and that it is interfaith.  But it has it’s stewardship and bishops have theirs and they are separate.  Surely we can see how a person’s actions could impact more that one entity and that each entity must deal with it according to their governance.   

Another poster claims that BYU’s purpose for the athletic department is for exposure of the church and this damages one of the biggest opportunities we have.  Well yes, but we also want our exposure to be about our standards and our faith, not our willingness to set it all aside for a super-star.  Isn’t that a major problem with collegiate sports everywhere?  Furthermore, this event has brought our honor code to the forefront and we are coming out of it looking like heroes. We live in the post Mike Tyson, post Michael Vick, post Tiger Woods, post Duke Lacrosse, post  <insert tomorrows scandal here> world.  We are weary of watching bad behavior allowed because of some celebrity status. 

Dalrymple encompasses these type of comments as well, but goes further into the ridiculous.  He makes repeated criticisms of BYU’s honor code for its invasion into areas beyond academics and sports. 
Here’s the raca part; Dalrymple is a crime reporter.  

Over the past two years, I could have picked up any newspaper in the country and read about educated people who lacked ethics and honor and the results it has had on our nation.  I could have read article after article about those who think they are exempt from rules based on their education and upbringing and seen the results of education without honor.
 I could read with perfect clarity how ideas like honor, morality, ethics, honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and doing good to all men are missing from people’s lives in every corner and class of society.  I could have done this with any paper except maybe the Daily Herald where Dalrymple is a reporter. Does he really think we shouldn’t instill virtue into the next generation of leaders via academic channels?  Are the crimes and malfeasance that have been committed by business leaders of the highest position and education lost on him?

If this economy has taught us anything, it is that we need more adherence to the BYU honor code in all parts of the world.  It was President Hinckley who said that one of the reasons we keep these institutions is to show to the world that secular learning can be gained in an environment of religious faith (October 1999 General Conference).  Dalrymple thinks this is anitquated. Dalrymple thinks not only does the world not need it, BYU doesn’t need it either.

I haven’t read a crime story in the Daily Herald, but based on Dalrymple’s philosophy, I am not likely read one any time soon. It’s not a refusal to do so out of protest, it’s more of an inability because their crime reporter seems incapable or recognizing any wrongdoing.

The standards in the Honor Code are known throughout the LDS church.  They are expected of every Mormon who wishes to enter the temple.  Some of the questions are asked of every convert who wishes to be baptized a member.  They are presented to every mormon teenager in a booklet called "For The Strength of Youth."  They are reiterated by our general leaders in every worldwide broadcast of our church. They are taught by local lay leaders in every chapel around the globe every Sunday.  Why should BYU abandon them?  They are timeless, ageless, eternal. They will last long after the jeers have died. They will outlive  the careers of those who both live by them and reject them.  They will exist long after the heavens and the earth pass away.  I believe in them enough that when I felt as though I was physically unable to hold to them, I entered therapy to improve my chances.  Now I live them.

This is what a standard is.  This is what standard means.  It is the mark that we commit to match everyday.  

No athletic profession should understand this better than basketball. I began working on this blog by googling the words basketball and standards.  Guess what I found?  A basketball standard describes the hoop size, height, and the dimensions of the backboard.  "Standard" is a standard term in basketball.  Let the irony bell chime.

The goal of every basketball player is to help his team reach, as often as possible, the standard. The standard height of the hoop has been 10 feet since the invention of the game, more than twice the age of the Honor Code.  If it were about 2 feet lower, I would stand a chance at the game.  Nobody thinks about doing this for me because everybody knows what lowering the standard means.  Basketball doesn’t lower their standards, BYU should not lower theirs.  Dalrymple needs to understand the value of both.