As an addict involved in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I had to dig deep to find and embrace my inner Mormon. What follows is my journal from this point forward.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Recovery Journal 20120622

“Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you;
seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye
shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you”
(D&C 88:63).
The Lord respects your will and your agency. Heallows you to choose to approach Him withoutcompulsion. He draws near to you when you inviteHim to be near. Write about how you will draw near to Him today.  --ARP Manual

I wonder if the reality of life is that the Lord never turns is back on us.  I read the the Book Of Mormon about how the Lord was as times slow to hear the cries of some people (Mosiah 21:15) when they were so wicked.  Yet I think it is more about making sure they were sufficiently humbled and truly knew that their salvation comes from God and nowhere else. It's as if sometimes we need to really understand that these gifts from God are not to be treated lightly. When a people are steeped in iniquity, when sin defines their motives and actions, when they have turned their backs on the Lord and his messengers, even to the point of killing them, then maybe the people need to earn a little more trust from the Lord before he pulls them out.

I don't know where I stand by comparison to the people of Limhi. I know that at times in my life, I have been so trapped in my addiction that there was likely no place for the spirit.  Yet I know that as soon as I could recognize my failures and come to the Lord with them, I have felt the peace of his love.  It was nearly immediate. My issue has been how to keep it permanent.

For me I have been focused on two things, frequent attendance of recovery meetings ( I am trying to attend three per week) and prayer each morning and evening.  The latter has been a real challenge for me. My ability be distracted from this need feels almost pathological.  I seem so easily lost in other issues that I just don't attend to it and I quickly forget.  This is why I am attending more meetings.  My remembrance is simply better when I do so.

Today I seek to be more regular and more heartfelt in my prayers. I also strive to be more vocal. Having a prayer in your heart throughout the day is one thing, but when I am on my knees, especially in the evenings, if I do not vocalize, the thoughts of my spirit are invaded by the musings of my mind.  I wind up thinking about things that are not evil, but are not about the desires of my soul. Until I can discipline my mind more, I need to be vocal for only when I speak can I get my mind right where I need it to be for the level of respect I need when speaking with my heavenly father.

I have questioned just how strong my faith really is. If I truly understood my own nothingness and God's greatness, I would feel desperate to pray, not obligated to pray. I would not dare face the evil that is all around me as well and all within me without begging for the Lord's help. I hope that I can continue to maintain my sobriety.  The last year has been brutal on me emotionally, I am now working on keeping my mind and heart right by reaching out to God in prayer more often.

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