As an addict involved in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I had to dig deep to find and embrace my inner Mormon. What follows is my journal from this point forward.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Recovery journal 20120620

And now the Spirit of the Lord doth say unto me: Commandthy children to do good, lest they lead away the hearts of many people to destruction; therefore I command you, my son, in the fear of God, that ye refrain from your iniquities;
That ye turn to the Lord with all your mind, might, and strength; that ye lead away the hearts of no more to do wickedly; but rather return unto them, and acknowledge your faults and that wrong which ye have done.  -- Alma 39:12-13

Of all the things I worry about regarding my sins and addictions, none worries me more than how many people have I led away. Whether by luring others into behaviors, creating an environment others could be susceptible to my weakness, or just being a bad example and thus turning others off to my faith, facing the knowledge of others who have been led away by me is a pain I fear greatly.

I think this alone should make me a more assertive missionary. I truly do not want another person to ever leave this faith because of me.  I pray that my life may from here on out be the type of life that brings people into the gospel.  I fear this is a greater task. My personality and perspectives are so often outside the box. I really try not to be non-conformist, but I am. I have always been.

I am orthodox in my faith.  I sustain the Prophet and all other leaders. I read the scriptures.  I am becoming more diligent and delighting more in prayer. I am sure many view me as a classic white bread Mormon. Yet there are others who wonder what gremlins dance in my head to give me some of the responses to situations I have given.  I often feel like a man without a country.

This is a great place for self-pity and I must always be wary of it. Even so, I have wondered whether or not most, if not all members feel this way from time to time. I may not be the only one. I wonder how I can therefore make others feel like they belong.  I should ponder this more.

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