As an addict involved in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I had to dig deep to find and embrace my inner Mormon. What follows is my journal from this point forward.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Recovery Journal - What Must I Do tthat I may be Born of God

The King said...what shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit, that I may be fill with joy...The king did bow down before the Lord, upon his knees; yea, even did he prostrate himself upon the earth, and cried mightily saying: "Oh God...I will give away all my sins to know thee ans that I may be raised from the dead and be saved at the last day."
--- Alma 22:15, 17-18

What obstacles-including attitudes and feelings-keep you from givving away all your sins and more fully receiving the Spirit of the Lord

The King of the Lamanites, Lamoni, tells a story that is as wonderful as it is incredulous. It's not that I don't believe the story, I know that given its place in the Book of Mormon it is true. The events are the type that seem only happen in the ancient world. Such things do not seem to happen today, so for me, the truth is more in the meaning of the experience and less in the actual events. While I have never held to such miraculous events being needed for a testimony, such a conversion of a person or a people or other miracle would be nice to experience. Perhaps as we become less of the lukewarm people of modern days and more of the dichotomy seen in the Book of Mormon, then our faith will become great enough for such miracles.

For the time being I am grateful for the kindness of the Lord in giving me the small miracles of the subtle changes of our heart and the continued miracle of his grace and forgiveness. These are the miracles I really need and the ones that make a difference in my life today. I am not like Lamoni, my ability to give all my sins as he was willing to do does not exist. I am not certain even my willingness to give them exists. To this extent I may be permanently on step six in my recovery,  never fully becoming ready have the Lord remove all my character weaknesses.

I usually keep my writing with the steps we focus on for the week, but I am thinking I really need to put my heart and time into step 6. I pray that I may find a level of trust and humility to abandon attitudes that keep me from fully accepting the love of God into my heart.

I have been less ambitious in my journaling lately. I have been obsessed with my business projects that require completion before payment. I am behind. I am too slow at this work. I need to seek help from the Lord on this and become willing to lay it aside for my commitments to my recovery.

During one of the meetings, a brother and sister attended. Both want to remove these weaknesses. Both want to be free from addiction. I want it for them, but I confess not feeling a lot of hope for them. Mainly because each statement for wanting to change came with qualifiers. They talked about how friends and even their places of residence impact them. I honestly feel that before they will be able to experience sobriety both of these will be sacrificed. I hope they will do so. They definitely seemed to be uncommitted, and I knew I needed to focus my thoughts on the Love of God to ensure I kept my heart charitable for them. I still need to be less judgmental and careful about how I view others. It is a place where pride could fester.

But I did think about the unwillingness they seemed to express as the qualified their desire to change. I wonder what unwillingness I have that I use to qualify my desire for a change of heart. I should take time and ponder this meaning.

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