As an addict involved in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I had to dig deep to find and embrace my inner Mormon. What follows is my journal from this point forward.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

my weaknesses Step 6


List some of your character weaknesses, and next to them list the strengths they may become as you come unto Christ

I am easily angered. I can see that offenses are not truly offenses and find new perspectives that will increase patience and make forgiveness more rapid.

I get my feelings hurt too quickly. I can stop relying on the views of others for my self worth and thus not feel so threatened by their behaviors.

I am too dependent on the approval of others. I can look to the approval of the Lord as the only approval needed.

I am lazy. I can push through my fatigue just a little more each day.

I am prideful. I need to avoid places where argumentation is part of the activity. This includes social networking. I have reduced my contacts considerably in order to avoid those who profess ideologies I singly oppose. I dislike this as I value the debate and want to hear the other side's view. But I am to willing to oppose and defend my position which allows pride to overwhelm my thinking.

I lack meekness. For me meekness is about dealing with the conflicts that come from activities in our life. If my focus is about me winning and not about acting Christlike, I have lost my meekness. If I can get myself to think about the love of God at times like these, I think I can begin the path to meekness.

I am a sore loser. I can strive to do my best without feeling like winning in any competitive situation is the path to success. I can remember that growing, improving and getting nearer to God is the important thing.

I am argumentive. I can concede things instead of always trying to win. I can also quit using argumentation to avoid doing the things I don't want to do. I often raise an argument rather than do the things I need to do. Arguing is a way to avoid responsibility or to avoid being asked to do things.

I have a lot of self pity. It is not so much that I feel victimized by others, but I feel my own sins have resulted in others in my family losing their faith. I feel a failure and incapable of producing good results. I can forgive myself and embrace love of those who have rebelled against me and my faith.

I feel all attacks are personal. This is an arrogant feeling. It assumes that I am at the center of many people's thoughts. I don't assesses issues as misunderstanding, but as deliberate attacks. I can acknowledge that others are weak and make mistake that merely I impact me. I can also see others add making decisions to my disfavor that are not mistakes and not attacks.

I have attention issues. This is the type of thing that one may not consider to take to the Lord. It may not be a spiritual weakness. But when Moroni lamented his weaknesses before the Lord he addressed the awkwardness of his hands, not any specific spiritual weakness. It was a physical weakness that he word about. So maybe Ether 13 means as much about physical as spiritual weakness.

I think my view is the only view. This is an extension of pride. I believe other differing views are substandard. I can find joy in learning from others instead of ceiling driven to teach others.

I do not engender trust in others. I can be kinder more giving and more willing to serve others and create close connections that make it safe for them to share.

I do not apologize when I should. I simply need to learn to say I am sorry. This is shockingly difficult for me. Even when I know I am wrong, I find moving to apology is really hard. Why is doing this so hard?

I am especially worried about being viewed as foolish. I thinks I am coming to terms with this.

I have to confess that even writing these down is hard. It seems strange to me. I had such a flow of self honesty when I worked on my Moral Inventory that doing task in step 6 is surprisingly hard. It seems clear to me that I am not wanting to face up to things in my life that are weaknesses. I might be able to describe myself as immature and weak but to explain in specifics is challenging. Having recent conflicts with my daughter has brought more of these weaknesses to my attention.

I never really think about my weaknesses. I think I live with the delusion that I am not weak. If I think about it, I realize I am weak, but if I don't take time to ponder it, I consider myself beyond weakness. This puts me outside the feeling that I need the Lord. Until such time that I can be continually aware of myself as a weak and dependent person, I need to take time and remind myself that I am nothing without the Lord.

Currently my list comes from trying to be aware of myself while having contention with her. It is not something I would want to do, but, it is something I can benefit from now that we are here at this point.

I have to say that with her and me colliding so much, I am learning the other side of recovery, being the person who feels the hurt because of another who refuses to live according to the standards they have been taught. Now I feel what it was like to be the family member dealing with my challenges. It is a new and not altogether pleasant experience.

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