Recovery Journal 20120705

Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

Sometimes I wonder what I am supposed to be. Am I to be self-sufficient, self-reliant as I am sometimes taught, or am I to be completely dependent and unable to do anything myself as I am sometimes taught.  Am I one or the other? I am supposed to exercise self-control and self-discipline and be self-governing?. The problem is that these terms suggest that I achieve these abilities on my own. The illusion is that I have mastered myself.  The reality is the Lord has mastery over me by my allowing him to take control over my life.  I believe this may the the need for all of us, but it is more pronounced for addicts. The addict is loses all self-management.  Thus the addict must admit not only loss of power over self, but accept that only the power of God can restore them.  I don't know if all people need to recognize this helplessness.  Maybe most saints already do so. I do know that I need to always be aware of it because anything less is when I try to put my trust in me and I my failures to solve this myself are well documented. Cursed is he that putteth his trust in flesh or maketh flesh his arm (2 Nephi 4).

Recovery Journal, 20120704 - All I can do.

Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

I don't know that I can fully explain what this means. I know that to declare myself unable to handle addictions on my own is to admit something that has been thought of as undesirable in my upbringing. "I can achieve anything" is something of a mantra in our family and we have demonstrated it from time to time. Yet I now see that in so doing, I neglect the greatest power for change in my life.

I don't know if I will ever be able to give all glory to God and acknowledge him in all things, even though this is considered one of the things that offends God (D&C 59:21). Even when coming thorugh the power of the Atonement and achieving sobriety, I have felt to pat myself on the back. Even if I acknowledge God's hand in all of this, I cannot say that I gave him full credit. I do look at it as my achievement.

Today we read Mosiah Chapter 2 as a family. As I read it, I felt a need to repent. What reason have I to boast? I can merit nothing of myself. Like Ammon and his brotheren,like the converted Lamanites, I feel that all I can do is repent. After this, I have to put all things in his hands. All the other things I do, prayer, scriptures, writing, reading in my ARP manual all are designed to remind me of my need to rely on the Lord and exercise faith in him. I am helpless after this. That may not be so bad.

Recovery Journal 20120704

O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.  2 Nephi 4:34

In the ARP manual, We are asked questions about Nephi's lament as recorded in 2 Nephi 4.  What I find is that this chapter gives us a pattern of returning often to the Lord.  Nephi finds himself in sorrow for his own sins and yet he also makes it clear where his hope lies.  He laments his weakness, remembers the Lord and then returns to him.


Oh Wretched Man that I am (verse 17)...Nevertheless I know in whom I have trusted (verse 19)...O Lord, I have atrusted in thee, and I will btrust in thee forever (Verse 34).


In between verse 19 and 34, is Nephi doing what the Book of Mormon tells us to do over and over, he is remembering. He recalls what the Lord has done and the blessings he has received. He bears witness to himself of the Lord. In doing so he finds the power to return to the Lord.


To see this pattern is to give me such great comfort and joy and to know that I too can follow this pattern and return to the Lord again.  When asked what can I do to put my trust in the Lord, I answer,  I need to begin by making prayer a daily thing.  I need to make daily paryer a more heartfelt thing.  I need to pray to the Lord as though my survival depends on him as I believe it does.  The time has come to be desperate for the Lord in my life.  I need to beg as the citizens under King Benjamin's reign did.  I need to be more than I am by being less than I think myself to be.  I need to humble myself and look to the Lord for all things.


My days have been going very well lately.  I must not slacken my grip to the iron rod. I must not think that momentum will carry me.  I must not give myself credit.  It is all I can do to remember to repent and call on the name of the Lord.  I must remember my own repentant pattern long before I find myself being pulled into my addiction.  I must remember how the Lord has blessed me.

Recovery Journal 20120625 - Forgetting what makes us successful.

Be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33).


I have been reading Step 12:


I visited with my Bishop as I have been asked to become a facilitator in the ARP program.  I have been one before and served for nearly three years before my travel schedule became incompatible.  I also felt a certain amount of pride among facilitators including myself and did not want to part of that. During my relapse periods I fell away from doing the small things.  I began to set aside my scripture reading and my prayers for other things. My prioritization put these lower on the list till they were forgotten. It has made me rethink pride and what it really is. It may not be just a matter of open opposition to God, it may be a view that he is less important than the things I am doing now.


In visiting with the Bishop, and relating many things about the challenges of the previous year and my failings in maintaining my sobriety, he decided to approve me as a facilitator with an added commission, "Tell them what you have told me. That the little things mean something. Those who struggle with addictions often find a pathway out of their traps and then, after a while, stop doing what makes them successful.  This has been an error on my part that has made me question just how much do I truly believe?


If I believe, as King Benjamin preaches, in the Greatness of God and the nothingness of man, if I truly understood the desperate state of man without the Savior, I would not have to feel obligated to pray. I would feel desperate to pray. I wouldn't dare start my day without it or without reading the scriptures. Anything less would be like dumping out a barrel of water in the midst of a drought.  It is by these small things that great things come to pass.

Recovery Journal 20120622

“Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you;
seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye
shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you”
(D&C 88:63).

The Lord respects your will and your agency. Heallows you to choose to approach Him withoutcompulsion. He draws near to you when you inviteHim to be near. Write about how you will draw near to Him today.  --ARP Manual

I wonder if the reality of life is that the Lord never turns is back on us.  I read the the Book Of Mormon about how the Lord was as times slow to hear the cries of some people (Mosiah 21:15) when they were so wicked.  Yet I think it is more about making sure they were sufficiently humbled and truly knew that their salvation comes from God and nowhere else. It's as if sometimes we need to really understand that these gifts from God are not to be treated lightly. When a people are steeped in iniquity, when sin defines their motives and actions, when they have turned their backs on the Lord and his messengers, even to the point of killing them, then maybe the people need to earn a little more trust from the Lord before he pulls them out.

I don't know where I stand by comparison to the people of Limhi. I know that at times in my life, I have been so trapped in my addiction that there was likely no place for the spirit.  Yet I know that as soon as I could recognize my failures and come to the Lord with them, I have felt the peace of his love.  It was nearly immediate. My issue has been how to keep it permanent.

For me I have been focused on two things, frequent attendance of recovery meetings ( I am trying to attend three per week) and prayer each morning and evening.  The latter has been a real challenge for me. My ability be distracted from this need feels almost pathological.  I seem so easily lost in other issues that I just don't attend to it and I quickly forget.  This is why I am attending more meetings.  My remembrance is simply better when I do so.

Today I seek to be more regular and more heartfelt in my prayers. I also strive to be more vocal. Having a prayer in your heart throughout the day is one thing, but when I am on my knees, especially in the evenings, if I do not vocalize, the thoughts of my spirit are invaded by the musings of my mind.  I wind up thinking about things that are not evil, but are not about the desires of my soul. Until I can discipline my mind more, I need to be vocal for only when I speak can I get my mind right where I need it to be for the level of respect I need when speaking with my heavenly father.

I have questioned just how strong my faith really is. If I truly understood my own nothingness and God's greatness, I would feel desperate to pray, not obligated to pray. I would not dare face the evil that is all around me as well and all within me without begging for the Lord's help. I hope that I can continue to maintain my sobriety.  The last year has been brutal on me emotionally, I am now working on keeping my mind and heart right by reaching out to God in prayer more often.

Recovery journal 20120620

And now the Spirit of the Lord doth say unto me: Commandthy children to do good, lest they lead away the hearts of many people to destruction; therefore I command you, my son, in the fear of God, that ye refrain from your iniquities;
That ye turn to the Lord with all your mind, might, and strength; that ye lead away the hearts of no more to do wickedly; but rather return unto them, and acknowledge your faults and that wrong which ye have done.  -- Alma 39:12-13

Of all the things I worry about regarding my sins and addictions, none worries me more than how many people have I led away. Whether by luring others into behaviors, creating an environment others could be susceptible to my weakness, or just being a bad example and thus turning others off to my faith, facing the knowledge of others who have been led away by me is a pain I fear greatly.

I think this alone should make me a more assertive missionary. I truly do not want another person to ever leave this faith because of me.  I pray that my life may from here on out be the type of life that brings people into the gospel.  I fear this is a greater task. My personality and perspectives are so often outside the box. I really try not to be non-conformist, but I am. I have always been.

I am orthodox in my faith.  I sustain the Prophet and all other leaders. I read the scriptures.  I am becoming more diligent and delighting more in prayer. I am sure many view me as a classic white bread Mormon. Yet there are others who wonder what gremlins dance in my head to give me some of the responses to situations I have given.  I often feel like a man without a country.

This is a great place for self-pity and I must always be wary of it. Even so, I have wondered whether or not most, if not all members feel this way from time to time. I may not be the only one. I wonder how I can therefore make others feel like they belong.  I should ponder this more.

Recovdery Journal 20120228

Today was without incident.  I felt temptation to turn my last few days at my current employer into a affectionate farewell with with a coworker or two.  I captured my thoughts before they got away from me and turned my attention back to knowing what was right and feeling the strength of the spirit to do it.

I received a letter from my son.  I felt bad for the letter I wrote him.  I was in a state of high emotion, having felt disdain from Becky for suggesting that my daughter and her husband do not need to join  FHE if they have contempt for the things of the spirit that we teach.  I have become weary of feeling like I have to walk lightly whenever they are here.  I do not want my home to be a place where the gospel is watered down.  My wife felt like I was excluding them.  Perhaps I was, but it was not from a place of disdain, it was about having the spirit with us as I taught the lesson.  Too often the two of them approach with an attitude that detracts from this and I didn't want this to continue.  I offer many chances for family social gathering and welcome all.  But when the Gospel is being taught, I don't want to have to deal with a spirit of contempt.

Anyway, this made it into my son's letter and I fear I burdened him in a way I should not have.  I don't want this to get in the way of his work.  I think I will send a Dear Elder letter so it is not a worry for him.

My language needs improvement.  My desire for sarcasm and humor create an attraction to improper speech.  These need to be pruned.

The standard of Praiseworthy

My daughter got accepted into the University of Utah.  I suppose that's a big deal.  I mean, I know it's not all that common anymore.  But I just can't use the standards of the world as my measuring tape.  The reality is, she could have gotten into here with her eyes closed. Which lately is how I feel she is doing things.

It is being suggested to me that I don't acknowledge her accomplishments much.  I guess my ability to be not easily impressed is costing me some relationship time.  Her boyfriend's family bought a huge cake and gave her a party for getting accepted. So they are the heroes and I am the heel. Of course, her boyfriend comes from a family of where nearly everyone had dropped out of high school.  That's not an exaggeration nor even does it come with disrespect.  It does make clear that they have a different standard of excellence than I have.  They see my daughter as this shining beacon in their lives.  I suppose I can't argue with this given their perspective. 

My perspective is different.  I very nearly failed out of high school.  I failed out of college my first try.  Yet, I managed to get in and graduate from the U of U with two kids and working a full time job. See, I am a goof-up.  I am a person of mediocre achievements and I am an alumni of the U.   I guess I never thought of getting into the U of U as some amazing achievement; I still don't.

I am glad she is going to college, but given her talents and natural abilities, I am not wowed by it.  Add to this the fact that she is, again no exaggeration here, a genius.  She was reading at a 12th grade level in the third grade.  She exceeded her teacher's ability to teach her math in grade school.  I had to find schooling that would challenge her.  She entered high school with a goal of MIT.  I did not set this goal.  I did not pressure this goal.  I did promise to all I could to help her get to this goal.  Which I did until she told me I needed to back off.  Which I did.

Now she is accepted to Utah.  I am not saddened by this.  But I am not wowed by it either. This has put me in a place of being perceived as a jerk by her and others. Add to this the fact that I almost need to beg her to go to young women's these days.  And if the activity isn't just right, she bails.  If I try to correct this I am accused of giving her a guilt complex.  I can't offer any form of correction, no matter how kind it is offered without a conflict ensuing, the last response was so hurtful, I just had to leave for a while. I am told this is because she is unhappy with me for not praising her.

So now I am needing  to change my approach and offer praise as is desired.  Which means I need to begin by recalibrating my definition of  what is praiseworthy.  Maybe I expect too much.